i'm growin' tired of searchin' for my soul, and all of these rocks in the road

i'm tired... i've been that way for awhile now. i can't sleep, but that doesn't have anything to do with this kind of tired. it's not that i'm tired of life in general... i'm tired of my life. i'm tired of asking questions and never getting an answer. and i know that nobody owes me anything, and especially not God... knowing doesn't help. for example, i know God is always there... but that doesn't mean he's always there for me. i equate this to the fact that we all have a dad, whether he chose to stick around or not. he gave us his genetic material and life... but that doesn't mean he stuck around to help us with the living it part. for so long i've believed that you are nothing if you don't have something to believe in... i've been devoted to my faith since i was sixteen. i made the choice to follow Christ and as much as i suffered knowing i always had God seemed to be what got me through. now i'm not so sure. you see, everytime i've suffered, every single time the pain got so bad that i couldn't imagine living another day in the hell that was my existance i would ask God to take it from me. i would try to turn it over to him and every time i prayed and begged for him to end my suffering it just got harder. so, the last week has been more hell. i prayed to my Savior... i didn't get an answer and i didn't find peace. i didn't even want to know that he'd take away my pain... but just that he was there. that he hadn't forgotten me, that i wasn't alone. i found none of these things. and i became hopeless, i became angry, i became bitter... and i realized that with all of the guilt that i feel for not being the "best Christian" i could be... for not earning God's gift... for hating my life and myself constantly... that i should find more peace in the fact that God will never leave me alone in this world... but... i don't. i haven't had that peace in a long time. and i wonder if i ever really did. people say now is when i need to turn to God the most, but i can't. i've given him all i can... and though i know salvation is the greatest gift... what good is it to me now? is someone really willing to look at me, to see the pain i feel every day and tell me that i should rejoice in God's love. what love? what peace? what comfort? i don't see it. and i know that it's part anger... and it's part confusion and that it's part overwhelming crippling pain... but... it's also a feeling that i can't deny. the point of being a Christian isn't just saying that you are, it's feeling it and living it. i don't feel it, and i'm not going to live it anymore. this doesn't mean that i'm going to turn into a shitty person and screw people over because i don't think anything is holding me accountable. i'm not saying God isn't there at all, i'm just saying that i'm choosing to put that relationship on hold at this point in my life. i have no views about God as far as i'm concerned. and despite what people keep saying i don't see how that's a giant tragedy. there are plenty of people out there who don't believe and live full, healthy and productive lifes. and i'm not saying that i don't believe... i'm saying i don't care. which is probably worse, but i've grown apathetic. when it feels like someone doesn't care for you it's pretty darn hard to care for them. and at this point it feel like God doesn't give a rat's ass about me. it's not that i blame God for the suffering. i didn't blame God for my diagnosis, i didn't blame God when i got raped, i didn't blame God when i couldn't fight anymore and tried to take my own life, i didn't blame God when my heart got broken, and i don't blame God for my grandpa slowly dying. life is life. shit happens, and it sucks and there isn't a damn thing we can do about it but let it help us grow into a better person. i don't have to blame God for anything to not want him in my life.

so, there is a reason i'm at this point. the reason is that my grandpa had a stroke last week. it's been a week and my family has gone through a battery of emotions... first we were hopeful, then destroyed, then hopeful and now i don't think anyone knows exactly how to feel. a family friend told me that the time we spend suffering before we pass is her idea of hell. that after that all is forgiven and we head to the great blue yonder... well... i think this is enough. i don't know his sins, and i don't need to. but the fact that he's still all there mentally and that he can't even walk is a bit too much for me, the fact that he knows who we are but can't make us out because he can only see out of one eye is bullshit. the fact that he can eat but that he isn't receiving nourishment... that's a bit too much fucked up shit for my liking. the fact that he thinks he's going to go home one day and that he'll more than likely die in a nursing home isn't something i'm ok with. fuck that shit.  i know that my gramps has not always been my favorite person in the whole world, but he's a damn good man and he's always had my back. i've never needed anything that he hasn't made sure i got. it kills me and robbed me of my faith to know that he is going to go out like this. i went to see him by myself tuesday. it was the first time i saw him in the home... i made the mistake of going at dinner... it was awful. but i stayed positive and cheerful for him. i was the 'rik' he knows and loves. i wheeled him back to his room and played guitar for him. and when everyone else showed up i snuck out after giving him a hug and telling how much i love him. i sat in my car, lit a cig, and bawled my eyes out the whole way home. i didn't think i could do it again. i didn't want to. i cried for two solid hours after i got home. i cried so much that i couldn't move. now people look at me like they feel sorry for me. i don't want that, it's not what i need. that does not give me comfort. i don't want the people that i count on for laughs and good times to look at me like that. i know how fucking shitty my life is right now, i don't need the look to remind me everywhere i go.

aaaaaaand of course when i got the worst of the news i went over to see a certain douchebag. BIG MISTAKE. i didn't go because i wanted him to show me how much he cares... i went because i wanted to get high and because i wanted him to hug me and send me on my way. so, what did i get? to drive home sober and shaking. no hug, no comfort, not even a bowl. caring for someone is not about taking tallies, but for fuck's sake. i was THERE. i've been there since i chose to be a part of his life. when he lost his grandmother i was there. when one of his closest friends passed away i was there. we weren't even on good terms and i still went over and made sure he was ok. when he knew how hard the last few weeks have been for me, he didn't even think i was worth sending a fucking facebook message to... NO. FUCK THAT AND FUCK HIM. i needed him, i really needed some comfort and support. not from the man i loved, but from a friend. so now i realize that i don't need anyone who hasn't been here all along, and i sure the fuck don't need someone who is going to treat me like being there for me is a hassle. pretty sure being there for me when i needed to get laid wasn't a stretch, but now that i need some bit of kindness... it's a big deal. FUCK THAT.

i promised myself i wouldn't get angry, that i wouldn't be bitter... but it's seeping in more and more every day. i can't shake these feelings of sheer hatred. and it's not just toward him. it's like i see all of this beauty and happiness and i want to burn it all down. i want to be surrounded by things as black and ugly as i feel. i want the world to be as empty and meaningless as my life.

i'm not like them, but i can pretend...

tonight has been awful... tonight i rethought things a child should never have thought in the first place... tonight i saw dark awful things in my imagination...

literal excerpt from a chat session...

"i am drinking whiskey with a shot of diet coke through a neon bendy straw, how the fuck do you think i am?"

at this moment i need to prepare to make a psuedo-voyage. soon i'll explain why i called a battery of people who i've fancied tonight. i'll explain why i drank a bottle of wine and whiskey and smoked a pack of cigs in a few short hours... but now, i need to put on clothes and makeup... goodbye my loves, i'll return soon.

love is so confusing; there's no peace of mind

well, well... welcome back to my little bit of innermost insanity. i've been feeling this lingering weight in my chest... i thought it was gone. i thought that even if it wasn't gone entirely right away that it would fade... but it hasn't, it's just gotten heavier. it's like the air around me is too thick to catch my breath. even when i'm happy i feel like i could be so much happier. it's like i'm trying to walk, but my leg is asleep... except it's my heart that is tingling, and hard to carry around. i keep pondering the what-if's that have been clearly sorted as fiction. i keep feeling like i'm reading the story of my life, but there is some major plot twist that i missed and i can't figure out which page i left off on. it's terrible. it's like i can't just pick up the book and keep on writing... i'm stuck on a word that just won't come to mind, i'm lingering on a phrase that just doesn't exactly fit. my solution? read a horribly depressing book about a man, music, and his dead wife and the love story of the three. (Love is a Mix Tape. it is amazingly pure and honest... it's beautiful... it reminds me that it's not as bad as it could be, that even if it was... i could eventually be ok) and somehow i found the perfect soundtrack for this superbly depressing event, a pandora station that should just be labled "cry already". i'm trying, but i'm at a standstill. i can't move forward... i want to, but so much of me wants to go back where i feel comfortable. people don't understand that even if someone treats you like dirt and you can write an epic of complaints and pain... it doesn't matter, because when you are alone with that person and they let you see parts of them that are fragile and true and pure... there is nothing better. they could make you suffer for the rest of your life for those moments that you aren't just two people. you are something united in honesty of thought and action. you share things you never thought you could, you've never even dreamed you'd want to. there is something sickly beautiful about that. i know it doesn't seem practical... and it isn't. it's dramatic and it doesn't function the way it's supposed to, but for some that's the way it's meant to be. personally, i think i'm one of those people, one of the people that needs something difficult, something that takes effort and work... because if it didn't... what would be the point? nothing worthwhile is easy, things that shape you hurt. i know this isn't it. it can't be... no matter how much i wish it was at times... it just, it isn't. i promised myself months ago that i wouldn't feel pain because of this anymore... but i just... i can't help but wallow in it. i've tried cutting him out of my life... but that doesn't work. it makes me even more obsessed. it feels like i need to replace him... but i know that would be impossible at this point. i feel like people just don't understand... it's like, he's not a complete asshole, if he was i would not think he was so darn special. and he is special. there are things about him that i just... can't wrap my mind around. there are things about him that i wish i could bottle. he's so imperfect that it makes him so much more appealing... i just wish he could see what i'm giving to him, how seldom it is that i'm willing to give such a gift. okkkkk.... i can't do this anymore. i need to be engulfed in someone else's actual tragity, instead of wallowing in my minor symptoms.  g'night. 

butterfly hibernation

ok. um... purge-post. i've got a ton to purge, but i'm only laying a foundation of the real purge today, i do believe... mainly because i'm just waiting for the sun to come up so i can go for a run. yes, i just put in writing that i'm going on a run... it's just... idk. i need it. running is the closest thing to free i've ever felt and trust in the fact that i want to feel free more than ever. for obvious reasons. today i spent the day with people who really matter... said things that mattered... it just was a whole different kind of day than i've had. i suppose i've had this kind of day, the first day back to life. yep, i've had a few of those... and it feels... refreshing and big and scary and beautiful.... feels like you're touching the world for the first time. felt like i was tasting and touching and smelling, seeing the whole world at once on the very first moment. sounds dramatic because is really is. by no means do i suggest an extend stay in... "the circus" but it makes you thankful. so... enough of postseclusion... let's talk about other things... like, revelations... i've been awake since 7 a.m. yesterday... a little tired, a lot jittery... doesn't matter, i'm hell-bent on a sunrise run. anyhow, i was on the topic of revelations... i had a lot of time to think, just be at one with my thoughts. i wrote a lot of letters, one a day to a specific person... which should come as no surprise when you consider i'd written to him every day for a month before any of this. but, i also wrote to other people. i shared things with people that i didn't think i could... it was amazing. i wrote the most honest letter i've ever even thought of to my mother. so... that was good. it helped me. i won't say it rocked my world or anything but i did figure some things out. like what/who is important. what/who i need. what/who i want. i realized... i wasn't doing too hot off a job figuring out priorities... not saying my shit is tackwelded together, but i'm in better shape that i was 25 days ago. i feel... new? i'm not leaking detail of things i figured out, not just yet... but... it's big for me. anyhow, i also got back in touch with the Erica that creates things... i did a lot of art work, a lot of just from my mind stuff, which i don't do. drawing? hell no. i do not just think up an idea and sketch it out, i have to draw things i've seen. but i drew a few things i am very proud of without any outside inspiration... this gives me hope as a soon to be art student... which brings me to... by soon to be... i mean soon in the scheme of relativity. i'll start winter term... which is actually a smart move, not if i want to be young enough to actually achieve my goals when i graduate with 3 dead sheep in hand... anyhow... i owe... yeah... i don't even want to think about how much i owe to my family... ugh. *shiver* but, i am so grateful that i have people to owe, which is somethin? i'll be job hunting soon, and by soon i mean in a few hours... ok... been going since before this damn post got started. i need to fall out, alas i people to spend time with. good day lovlies. more purging soon? by the way the run was amazing... barely broke a sweat which is sick. i should be so out of shape that i died on the pavement... nope... i'm starting to think i got my dad's freak genes and they are just now kickin' in.

i remember that face, i knew that girl all to well

i was reading over some of my old posts... and all the feelings just surged over me... like this giant wave. and a few tears may or may not have fallen. and i may or may not have been reminded of something that i feared i'd never feel, that i was incapable of having... something so basic and real something that everyone should feel at one point. and the fact that it wasn't given back isn't such a hard pill to swallow any more. really, let's think about this from a logical standpoint. had he felt the same as i, where would i be now? probably with him still. would that have given me the opportunity to grow? to change? to be renewed? i'm not sure, because that's not the path i'm on... but i know where this path has lead me. it's taken me to dark, cold, and dangerous places. places i hope never to return to. if i must, i'll know the way out. i will far better able to deal with the horrific pain. i thought of giving up completely on people, of sealing off whatever crack he slipped into and bricking off my heart, now i realize that my heart is too full to give up. i was born to love.

so, mainly... i'm back and ready to attack! let me specify, attack life.